


Goodbye Parties

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [8]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, College AU, Depression, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of past self harm, Suicide, extreme descriptions of a suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-08 15:39:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17389106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: “Here’s to finally being free!” Wonpil suddenly shouted, raising his cup in the air. The others cheered and followed suit, grinning and laughing along. Jae raised his glass as well, his grin fading a little.“To freedom.” He whispered, his eyes stinging suddenly. He blinked away the tears and downed the rest of his drink before going to the kitchen to refill his cup.Jae had enough of pretending he was fine and decided to do what was best for everyone. Brian finds him, throwing up the hundreds of little pills, and no one knows if their friend will even survive the night.





	1. Chapter 1

Jae smiled brightly. His friends were laughing around him at something he had said. Finals were finally over and they were free for almost a full month. Jae ignored the tugging feeling in his chest as he continued his story. They were celebrating more than just finals, but only he knew it.

So far.

“How did you not get kicked out of that class?” Brian asked as he ran his hands through his bangs. His hair had gotten messed up from laughing so hard.

“Because I was the only one in the damn class that passed his exams!” Jae somehow grinned wider. “Without me, the class average would have been way lower, and he didn’t want that reflection on him.”

“At least you don’t have to worry about him anymore.” Sungjin said, his words starting to slur a little.

“Here’s to finally being free!” Wonpil suddenly shouted, raising his cup in the air. The others cheered and followed suit, grinning and laughing along. Jae raised his glass as well, his grin fading a little.

“To freedom.” He whispered, his eyes stinging suddenly. He blinked away the tears and downed the rest of his drink before going to the kitchen to refill his cup.

“Ah shit Dowoon!” Wonpil yelled from the living room and Jae rolled his eyes. The youngest in their group was never great at holding his alcohol. Jae went back to the others to see Dowoon downing the rest of his drink as if he wasn’t going to regret it in ten minutes and shook his head.

“What are you guys going to do without me?” Jae laughed and handed the youngest a water bottle that he had on the table for just this occasion.

“What do you mean hyung?” Dowoon asked, his eyes unfocused. Jae felt his stomach drop.

“W-well, I’m not going to be here to take care of you forever,” he tried to cover, but he could feel sweat forming on his forehead. “And when that time comes, you guys are gonna be shit outta luck!”

“We ca- we can TOTALLY take care of ourselves!” Wonpil fumed, his face red from the drinks.

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” Jae laughed, feeling a weight disappear.

They didn’t catch on.

“Ah shit, it’s almost two in the morning,” Sungjin groaned. “I have work at ten.”

“That’s what you get for not taking off like the rest of us,” Brian smirked. His alcohol fogged brain took a second to catch up to something that had been on his mind since earlier that day. “Speakin of work… Jae hyung? Why are they saying you quit?”

Brian and Jae both worked at the campus cafe - in fact, Jae was the one to get Brian the job in the first place. Sungjin worked at the front desk of the library with Wonpil, while Dowoon did odd jobs for students on campus, like running errands and tutoring.

“Ah, guess the cat’s out of the bag,” Jae laughed easily. “I just… I needed a change. The cafe was getting boring.”

“You should have told me,” Brian whined, sticking his bottom lip out. “We could look for another job together.”

“But you love the cafe,” Jae said with a sad smile. “You’d miss teasing the customers.”

“I mean, I guess but it won’t be the same without you.” Brian sounded so genuinely sad that Jae felt like throwing up. What if he was making a mistake-

No. He made up his mind.

“I want to make a toast,” He said suddenly, taking a deep breath. “You know, I was really depressed back in high school. You’ve seen me be down, but it was really bad then. When I met you guys, everything got better. The four of you are like brothers to me, and you really mean the world to me. I might tease you and seem like I don’t love you, but I do… I’m so grateful that I met you, and… and yeah. I just really love you guys.”

Tears were streaming down Jae’s face. He had wanted to say more, but his words failed him.

“Hyung!” Several voices called out as Jae felt himself be buried in a group hug.

“We love you too hyung.” Brian buried his face in Jae’s neck. The tip of his nose was chilly but it didn’t bother Jae.

“You always get so sappy when we drink.” Sungjin grinned, his own eyes shining suspiciously.

“Is everything alright hyung?” Wonpil asked, snaking his arms around Jae’s waist.

“You can tell us.” Dowoon continued, resting his cheek on Jae’s shoulder blade.

“I’m just relieved that finals are over,” He only partially lied. “I guess the relief is making me emotional.”

“You should take better care of yourself,” Sungjin scolded lightly. “Don’t think I can’t hear it when you’re moving around in the middle of the night.”

The five boys shared an apartment, though technically Dowoon lived in a dorm and just shared a room with Wonpil more often than not. It worked well for the four room apartment, as well as for Dowoon’s dormmate who wasn’t that thrilled to share a room in the first place.

“Ah, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” Jae felt the guilt claw at his chest again. He didn’t mean to bother his friends when he couldn’t sleep.

“I was already up. Last minute cramming.” Sungjin smiled, but there was concern behind his eyes.

“Just had some trouble sleeping,” Jae confessed, trying to smile to lighten the mood. “It’s no big deal. After today it won’t be a problem anymore.”

“That’s right! Finals are over! No one worrying!” Wonpil cheered, throwing his arms into the air.

“Fuck finals!” Brian followed, downing his drink.

“Fuck studying!” Dowoon slurred.

“Fuck everything!” Jae laughed, lifting his cup up in a final cheer. Everyone started laughing and shouting.

Jae watched his friends fall on the couch with a small smile. He was going to miss them.

“Hyung, come join us!” Brian called.

“I think I’m going to turn in,” He said, trying to keep his tone light. “I might pull a Dowoon if I drink any more.”

“It was ONE TIME.” The boy in question cried, pouting.

“Night hyung!” Wonpil called over with a tired smile. “I’ll make breakfast tomorrow, okay? Sungjinnie hyung picked up some of those buns you like yesterday.”

“Yeah, sounds good Pillie.” Jae felt guilty again. Tomorrow was going to be… unimaginably painful for his roommates, but it was for the best. He grabbed a water bottle off the table and turned to his room. He paused in the doorway and turned back, looking at his friends - happily wrestling on the couch - one last time before closing the door.  
Jae’s smile dropped off his face. He was tired of having to fake it all the time, but no one questioned the one that seemed happy. No one questioned why he was always wearing fake glasses and long sleeves and always tried to make himself seem small.

No one noticed the pale lines on his skinny arms or how he would stare at the knives while making dinner.

No one noticed when he started stashing pills either. Sleeping pills, painkillers - over the counter and prescription from when he broke his wrist - allergy pills, anything he could get his hands on. The more he had, the less chance there was of failing.

Jae was so, so tired of pretending. He was the oldest. They looked up to him, but he was so tired of pretending everything was alright when it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay. Nothing was fucking okay and no one noticed.

He had gotten good at silencing his sobs and masking the cracks in his voice and pretending that no, he just got something in his eye why would he be crying?

Jae was prepared. He had written his note days before. He had been preparing for this moment for years.

He changed into his comfiest pajamas and slipped into his bed, letting the familiar smell of his pillows wash over him before sitting back up and digging through his bedside table. He pulled out the envelope that seemed to weigh as much as he did and placed it on the covers next to him. Next came the little orange bottle.

Jae easily opened the child proof cap and dumped a handful of pills out. He stopped to admire them for a moment - despite what was about to happen, they were morbidly beautiful. So many colors and shapes and sizes, all fitting so nicely in the palm of his hand.

He opened the water bottle with his free hand and threw the pills back. A few caught in the back of his throat, causing him to gag. He grimaced at the taste on the back of his tongue for just a moment before tipping more out. The second handful took two swallows to get everything down, and his stomach was already starting to churn painfully.

Tears dripped onto his lap as he tipped out a third handful. He couldn’t tell if his vision was blurring because of the tears or because the pills were already kicking in. The third handful went down smooth. He dumped the the rest of the pills out and took them with even more ease than the last one.

He drained the rest of the water bottle and fell back, letting his eyes close despite the tears still running down his cheeks. He wondered faintly if three and a half handfulls of pills mixed with the alcohol in an otherwise empty stomach would be enough.

“Fuck-” he choked, feeling the pills trying to force their way back up his throat. He tried to swallow to keep them down but his stomach was determined to empty itself. His head throbbed as he lunged for his trash can, crashing onto the ground as he threw up all over the second hand rug on his floor.

This wasn’t right. He just wanted to fall asleep and stop hurting. This hurt so, so much more.

“Hyung?” Brian knocked gently on his door.

No, no, no, no- they weren’t supposed to find him yet.

Jae hunched over and felt more pills clawing their way out of his body, could feel the shapes and sizes of each pill as is was forced back up again.

“H-hyung? Are you okay?” Brain asked, opening Jae’s door a crack.

Jae sobbed violently. This was wrong. He felt hands on his flushed face and cried harder. His frail body bent in half the next time he threw up, but this time there were hands on his back and voices screaming and his ears were ringing to the point that he thought he was going to pass out. He tried to tell them to go - to leave him alone and let him die for god’s sake- but no words came out. All that came out was a painful whimper and more colorful bile.

His world was a blur. Nothing made sense. He heard voices but they sounded so, so far away. His stomach twisted painfully and he sobbed again. There were cold fingers against his burning cheeks and he felt rain on his skin.

“He’s in here!” A voice shouted, and suddenly there was so much noise Jae thought his head was going to explode. He weakly tried to bat away the hands that were tugging and pulling and lifting him onto a narrow bed that wasn’t soft or warm like his own. Something was placed over his nose and Jae panicked. He tried to rip it away from his face, but his arms wouldn’t move, as if they were strapped down.

This was wrong.

Jae could see the flashing lights behind closed eyes.

This was so, so wrong.

There was something shoved down his throat and and he felt his stomach heave again and again. There was a prick in his hand, and Jae was asleep.

* * *

  
Brian was worried. Something seemed off about Jae all night, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. When Jae gave his little speech, Brian’s worry started to grow into something closer to fear. Why was Jae talking like he was leaving them?

He didn’t want to let Jae go to bed. Something was telling him to beg Jae to stay, but he was drunk and Wonpil was pinning him to the couch and the couch was just so soft despite being old and stained.

“I’m turning in,” Sungjin said not long after Jae. He stood, dumping Wonpil onto the floor and ignoring the whine from the younger boy. “I’ll see everyone when I get home from work.”

“Same,” Dowoon yawned, his cheeks still flushed from the alcohol. “I’m fuckin tired.”

“Watch your mouth.” Brian halfheartedly scolded.

“Night hyung.” Dowoon shuffled to the bathroom that was between Wonpil and Sungjin’s rooms, that he shared with the other two boys. Brian and Jae were lucky that they shared the bathroom between their rooms with just each other and no one else.

“Night Brian hyung,” Wonpil said sleepily. “Don’t worry about the mess. Dowoon and I can take care if it tomorrow.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Brian smirked and went to his bathroom to brush his teeth. Just as he was putting his toothbrush back, there was a crash from Jae’s room. Knowing the older boy had quite a bit to drink, Brian worried that his friend had fallen and gotten hurt.

“Hyung?” he knocked lightly on the door, knowing how easily Jae got startled when he wasn’t paying attention. There was no response for a moment, until Brian heard retching that sounded so painful his own stomach twisted. “Hyung, are you okay?”

He pushed the door open and froze.

Jae was on the ground, sobbing and surrounded by half dissolved pills. Colored saliva dripped from his quivering lips and his face looked flushed.

“Fuck-” Brian yelled, stumbling forward. He knelt in the bile and pills, not caring that it was soaking into his jeans. His fingers danced against Jae’s cheeks and he was horrified to feel how hot the elder’s skin was.

“What’s going on-?” Sungjin stuck his head in, his eyes opening wide in shock.

“He’s- he’s not answering me,” Brian sobbed, trying to get some reaction - any reaction- from Jae. All he got was Jae heaving again before folding in on himself. “Hyung, hyung he isn’t answering me! He threw up so many pills- oh my god…. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god-”

“Focus Younghyun!” Sungjin’s voice snapped through Brian’s panic. “I have the paramedics on the phone. They’re sending an ambulance. Can you tell what he took?”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck- uh,” Brian tried to look at the half dissolved pills on the rug but his vision blurred too much to see. “Advil? And uh… what are the little green ones?”

“His antidepressants?” Sungjin supplied.

“Y-yeah, those… and the- fuck, hyung he took the strong shit they gave him after he broke his arm.”

“Those are opioids,” Sungjin sounded faint. “He said he flushed those…”

“Oh god there are so many… what if he didn’t throw them all up?” Brian was sobbing, trying to shake Jae awake. The blond boy’s eyes were fluttering, and his lips were losing color. Brian was no medical expert, but he knew that was a really, really bad sign.

“He’s in here!” Sungjin said loudly, and three men in uniform burst into the room. They picked Jae up, who weakly tried to fight them as they strapped him down to the stretcher. One man put an oxygen mask over his face, which seemed to make him panic even more. Brian’s heart shattered as they wheeled him out.

The apartment was suddenly so, so quiet. Brian’s ears rang as Sungji helped him stand. He brought Brian out to the living room, where Wonpil and Dowoon were standing - eyes wide and suddenly extremely sober.

“-ghyun, can you hear me?” Sungjin asked softly. Brian finally understood what was being said to him and nodded. “Okay good. Why don’t you get changed and we can go over to the hospital? I’ll see what I can do about Jae’s rug. He won’t be happy if he comes home and his room smells like vomit.”

“What if he doesn’t come home?” Wonpil whimpered, his eyes rimmed with red.

“He will,” Sungjin said with certainty. “Hyung is too bullheaded. He’s going to be fine.”

“Oh my god… this party,” Brian whispered, tears running hot down his cheeks. “It wasn’t just a goodbye to the semester… it was a goodbye party for him. He planned this…”

“Go get changed.” Sungjin bit back a sob of his own. He was now the oldest - he had to be strong for the others. Brian nodded and stumbled into his bedroom. Sungjin took a deep breath before going into Jae’s room.

It was surreal. Everything was the same, as if Jae was going to walk through the door any second. His band posters were still on the walls. His bed was still unmade and covered in blankets. His guitars were still perched on their stands, shined and tuned. The only thing that said anything was wrong was the sour smell of the bile soaking into the rug and the startlingly white envelope sitting innocently on Jae’s favorite blanket. Sungjin let his tears fall as he tucked the letter into his pocket, rolled up the rug and brought it outside to the garbage. There was no point in trying to save it - it was stained and the smell would never come out.

By the time he made it back up to the apartment, the other three were ready to go. They put on their jackets and silently made their way to the hospital, any excitement from earlier that night gone - just like Jae.


	2. Chapter 2

The waiting room was silent. No one knew what to say. Jae’s parents had been called, but there wasn’t much they could do from LA. Sungjin was holding Dowoon, who was staring at the scuffed tiles blankly. Wonpil was on Sungjin’s other side, head on the older boy’s shoulder, eyes closed but everyone knew he was awake. The nurse said Jae was in the ICU. His stomach was pumped and he was on a liquid drip to hydrate him after all the alcohol and throwing up he did. The nurses only told them after Jae’s parents gave the hospital permission.

The letter weighted heavily in Sungjin’s back pocket, but he was afraid to look at it. Reading Jae’s suicide note would make things… too real. He was still hoping this was all just a bad nightmare, and that he’s wake up soon. He’d wake up and Jae would be snoring in his room. Wonpil would jump on the bed to wake him up and Jae would grumble and pretend to push the younger boy off but instead pull him closer and try to fall back to sleep like he always did.

Brian was silently crying in his own chair, away from the others. He slapped away any form of comfort they tried to give him. Despite having changed, the smell of the bile stung his nose and he though that he would never be able to erase the smell from his nose.

Another thing he’s never be able to erase was the look of horror on Jae’s face.

He didn’t know if he was horrified that he had tried to kill himself, or horrified that Brian had found him too early. Brian didn’t want to let himself think it was the latter for even a second. It hurt too much.

Brian thought about what would happen if Jae never woke up.

They would have to go through his stuff, wouldn’t they? Go through his stuff and find all the razors and pills and goodbye letters that he started writing but never finished. They’d have to give stuff away - give away memories and jackets that smelled like Jae and soon there wouldn’t be anything left of the older boy.

The apartment would be haunted - maybe not by a spirit but by memories. They’ll hear his laughter bouncing off silent walls. They’ll find little bits of him all over - his almond milk in the fridge that no one could bring themselves to throw away. Shirts that they find buried deep in their own closets that they forgot they borrowed. Little notes that Jae would leave around the apartment - reminders for himself to do things and reminders to them to have a good day. His favorite mug with the chip on the rim that was because

Brian had been messing around and dropped it but Jae never got mad.

He’d never be able to go to class without thinking of his friend either. He wouldn’t be able to go to work without expecting to see Jae’s bright smile, hearing Jae’s voice, feeling Jae’s presence behind the counter.

Oh god…. That’s why he quit. Brian felt more tears run down his face.

He’d never hear Jae strumming his guitar again. Never hear him gently singing a love song when he thought no one was listening. Brain always admired how passionate Jae was when he sang, even if it was just in the safety of their apartment. Everything Jae did, he did with passion and excitement.

People would come up to him and ask there Jae was, because everyone knew they were always together. They would be confused at first, then horrified when Brian finally broke the news to them. He’d have to listen to apology after apology that would drive him to tears because they shouldn’t be apologizing to him - they should all be apologizing to Jae for not realizing sooner. For not doing something sooner.

Brian sobbed.

Jae can’t go. Jae promised to be the best man at his wedding. Jae called being the godfather to Brian’s first kid, or his dog if Brian doesn’t have kids. Jae promised to take him to LA one day to see where he grew up. Jae promised-

Jae promised that he would always be there, but he lied.

Jae tried to leave him. Brian’s heart hurt as he sobbed louder and louder. Sungjin finally was able to hear the younger, but there was nothing he could do. Wonpil had finally fallen asleep, and any time he shifted Dowoon held onto his arm as if he was afraid Sungjin would disappear too.

Brain pulled Jae’s sweatshirt closer around him, as if the warmth and familiar scent would protect him from the horrors of reality.

* * *

  
“How are you feeling?” The nurse asked gently. Jae felt numb, but he wasn’t going to say that.

“Shit,” He grumbled in English. His throat burned like hell and just breathing hurt. His head throbbed and his entire chest hurt as though his ribs had been crushed. He was hooked up to a bunch of machines - an IV in his hand, oxygen tube across his face, sensor on his finger. “I feel like death.”

“You’re a strong boy, Park-ssi,” She said as she wrote something on her clipboard. “You flatlined twice before we could stabilize your heartbeat.”

Everything came back. He had tried to kill himself. After years and years of wanting to die, Jae had finally tried to take the final step and failed. He had failed. He almost succeeded but they brought him back to life. Why?

“You have some visitors waiting for you to wake up,” She continued. Jae felt his heart skip a beat. After what happened, they still… “They’ve been in the waiting room since you came in. If you’re not feeling up to visitors, you can decline. We don’t want you to push yourself just yet.”

Jae thought about it. Sungjin and Wonpil and Dowoon and Brian were all waiting for him to wake up. They were going to ask questions. They were going to be mad at him. Jae felt a tear slip down his cheek and shook his head.

“Please not yet,” He whispered, trying to wipe his cheeks only to find he couldn’t move his arms. “I don’t want them to see me like this.”

“Okay hon, I’ll let them know you’re awake though if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s fine I guess,” jae laid back, his head throbbing more. “Fuck, can I have something for my head.”

“Sorry, we can’t give you any medication until you clear some more tests. I can turn the lights off though. The doctor should be in soon to check up on you now that you’re awake though, and she can decide when you can have painkillers.”

“Okay, thank you.” Jae whispered, laying back and closing his eyes. He heard the nurse click off the lights and leave the room, plunging Jae into silence.

* * *

  
“He’s….” Brian felt his knees give out. He hit the floor before Sungjin could catch him, but he didn’t care. What was a few bruises when Jae was okay? Well, awake. Who knew when Jae was going to be okay.

“He declined visitors for now, but he’s stable. I suggest you all go home for now. Shower, rest, get something to eat. We’ll call you if there’s any change.” The doctor said carefully. She could see how tired the four boys in front of her were.

Suicides were always tough, on everyone. They always came in so young, and it was so hard for them to save these kids who had no will left to save themselves. Their friends and families always had such a hallowed look in their eyes as they waited for the news. Despite being a doctor for almost two decades, it never got easier to tell those waiting that their loved one didn’t make it.

“I’m not leaving.” Brian said, his face hardening.

“Come on hyung, you’re exhausted-” Wonpil tried to reason with him but it was no use.

“No. I’m staying until I can see him.”

“No, you’re coming home.” Sungjin said, leaving no room for arguments.

“What if he needs someone-”

“He’ll need someone who isn’t delirious,” Sungjin argued calmly. “What good are you if you’re starving and exhausted? We’re going to go home. We’ll shower, eat, take a nap and come back, okay? We’ll be back before dinner.”

“Fine…” Brian finally relented, hating that the older boy was right.

“I called the library and the cafe,” Sungjin continued, running his hand over his shaved head. It had been shaved on a drunken dare but ended up staying when Sungjin realized how easy it was to take care of. “I didn’t tell them everything, but I told them enough so that they know not to expect any of us into work in the next week.”

“I didn’t even think about work.” Wonpil realized with wide eyes.

“That’s why I’m the leader,” Sungjin smiled sleepily and ruffled Wonpil’s hair. “Come on kids, let’s go home.”

The drive home was silent. No one talked, but no one was crying which was a good sign. They filed into the apartment silently, their footsteps on the wooden floor seeming to echo painfully.

“You guys shower first. I’ll make some lunch.” Sungjin said, breaking the silence abruptly. Everyone jumped a little at the sudden sound.

“Dowoon you can use our shower first,” Brian said, heading towards his room. “I don’t mind waiting.”

“Are you sure hyung?” Dowoon knew how particular Brian was when it came to their bathroom. The only other person he let use it was Jae.

“Yeah, you take quick showers anyway.”

Dowoon nodded and slipped into the bathroom, and within minutes Brian heard the water running. He started to walk towards his own room but stopped. Jae’s door was still open, as if the elder was there waiting for someone to go in and bother him.

Brian changed course and went into Jae’s room. He stepped quietly, as if he was trespassing somewhere he didn’t belong even though the older had said he was always welcome in his room.

Everything was so normal, Brian could almost forget what had happened. Suddenly, tears were flowing down his face again and he choked back a sob. Without thinking, he hurried onto Jae’s bed and buried his face into one of the many pillows.

He felt so comfortable and safe that he burst into loud, heart wrenching sobs. Jae’s pillow soaked up his tears instantly. It was as though the pillow was trying to dry Brian’s tears the same way Jae always did.

Sungjin poked his head in and saw Brian crying into Jae’s pillow. His heart shattered even more.

“Younghyun, lunch is ready.” He said softly as he sat on the edge of the bed. Brian curled into himself, away from Sungjin’s touch.

“Why hyung?” Brian’s voice was muffled but the elder still heard him. “Why did Jae hyung try to leave us?”

“Sometimes… sometimes we hurt so much that we can’t think straight. We don’t let ourselves believe things will get better and it take a toll on our minds. Jae hyung… he was probably just scared and tired…”

“I thought he loved us…”

“He does,” Sungjin said quickly, his eyes burning. “Jae loves us more than anything.”

“Why- why did he try to leave us?” Brian sobbed harder.

“Because he was scared,” Sungjin couldn’t do anything but whisper. “He was scared and didn’t know what else to do.”

“He could have talked to us! We would have helped him!”

“You don’t think about that when you’re scared. You don’t want to be a bother… he probably thought he was doing us a favor-”

“How was this a favor?” Brian whipped his head around and sat up abruptly. His eyes were swollen and red, his cheeks blotchy. “How was any of this a favor!?”

“I don’t know-” Sungjin suddenly remembered the note in his pocket. “Go get some food, okay? Dowoon is done in the bathroom, so shower after you eat and take a nap. You look like crap.”

“Okay…” Brian slid from the bed and padded to the kitchen and Sungjin knew it was bad. Brian never took well to being told what to do, so having the younger so easily do as he said was a red flag. As soon as Brian was out of eyesight, Sungjin took out the note and opened the envelope.

_You’re probably mad at me, aren’t you?_

“You idiot…” Sungjin fought against the tears that he knew were about to come.

_I’m pretty mad at myself, if I’m being honest. I tried to get better. I went to therapy, took the medication. I talked to my family, and tried to open up to my friends but it was hard. I was always the easy going guy, the fun one. I was afraid if anyone knew how bad I had gotten, they would think differently of me._

_I thought if I waited it out, it would go away. That’s how it worked in the past. Thing would get really, really bad, I would suffer through it for a few months and then I would be able to be happy again. Only this time, it didn’t get better. It just kept getting worse and worse. I tried all the coping mechanism I was taught in the past. I played music, hung out with friends, wrote my feelings out, but none of it helped._

_I guess you have every right to be mad at me. I would be mad at me too. I was just so, so tired. You can understand that, right? I just wanted it to stop. Can you blame me? For wanting peace? Wanting to get away from my thoughts for once?_

_I don’t blame you for being mad but please. My final wish is that you don’t hate me forever. Even if it takes a couple of years, please forgive me. For being selfish and stupid and hurting you. Please don’t hate me forever. I loved you guys, even if it doesn’t seem like I did. I could never not love you. You were my best friends - my family. Maybe we’ll see each other again. When we do, please don’t hate me._

_Sungjin crumpled the letter in his hand and sobbed. He trie_ d hiding his tears behind his hand, but it wasn’t enough. He felt the bed dip and arms were around him.

“It’s okay hyung.”

“We got you.”

“It’ll be okay.”

Sungjin let himself cry for the first time, leaning into the warmth of the others.

* * *

  
“Your friends are back,” The nurse said as she took a vile of blood. She had explained that they needed to run tests to make sure the pills Jae had taken weren’t affecting his system. “Do you want to see them yet?”

“Are they mad?” Jae whispered, not even wincing as the needle sunk into the skin right below his elbow. Thankfully none of the nurses ever commented on the faint white lines they had to work around to get to his vein.

“They’re worried about you,” She said, placing some gauze over the small prick. “We sent them home earlier but they came back as soon as they could. They’ve been asking for updates every time one of our staff walks past.”

“Um… yeah. They can come in.” Jae finally said. He had spoken to the doctor a few times. They unstrapped his arms, but he was still on suicide watch. She discussed treatment, letting Jae choose between inpatient and outpatient. After careful deliberation, Jae agreed to an inpatient program for two weeks. They told him after the two weeks, they would decide whether or not he was cleared to go home or if he needed to stay. She warned him that they were going to give him medication, and he told her he’d been on a few types of antidepressants in his life. She said they would find the right kind for him, that they wouldn’t just give him a pill bottle and kick him out to deal with it on his own. They were going to give him actual treatment and support.

Jae realized that it didn’t sound too bad, actually. It sounded like it might actually help him.

“Hyung?” The door opened and Wonpil poked his head in. Jae felt the anxiety twist in his gut, a thorn bush taking root in his chest and suffocating him. He expected anger, yelling, but none of that happened.

“Thank god.” Brian rushed in and hugged him, only realizing there were wires when Jae winced as one was pulled.

“I’m sorry guys-”

“Shut up hyung,” Brian whispered into his shoulder. “Just… shut up. You don’t have to explain anything to us. We’re just glad you’re okay.”

“I decided to do an impatient program for two weeks… maybe more if they don’t think I’m ready to leave.” Jae admitted, as if he had done something wrong.

“Can we come visit?” Dowoon asked. Jae nodded.

“They have visitation every couple of days I think.”

“We’re so proud of you hyung,” Sungjin said, running his fingers through Jae’s bangs. Jae leaned into the touch. “It’s hard to admit you need help. We know you’re going to get better and come home as soon as possible.”

“I’m so, so sorry…” Jae hiccuped, covering his face with the hand that wasn’t being held by Brian.

“Shh, it’s okay hyung,” Brian said against the elder’s neck. “We love you so much… it’s going to be okay.”

Jae cried. His friends weren’t mad at him. They loved him. He was going to get better and they were going to be happy and everything was going to be okay. Jae cried, sniffling through his grin.

* * *

  
“Shh you’re going to ruin the surprise!” Jae could hear Wonpil whisper scream all the way in the hallway. Sungjin had picked him up from the hospital, two weeks on the day after he went into the inpatient program. He felt amazing compared to how he felt before. His mood was better, and he was getting better at ignoring the bad thoughts. He even managed to gain some weight - something his friends always nagged him about.

“They should be here by now.” Even on the other side of the door, the pout in Dowoon’s voice was evident.

Jae smiled as he unlocked the front door. There were a cacophony of shushing as he opened the door to a dark apartment.

“Welcome home!” They yelled as they flicked on the lights. Jae grinned.

He really was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first fic that I've written that genuinely made me tear up as I was going through it. Normally I can keep my emotions in check but this one hit a little too close to home. Both chapters made me feel some sort of way while editing and writing.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops... starting another fic while in the middle of two others that I was supposed to finish weeks ago? It's more likely than you think. But I've been in a real rut so being able to write this vent fic is a good sign that I'll be able to work on actual stuff soon.


End file.
